Yes

I am sitting here with a massive grin on my face having just hit a penguin 320.5 meters, previous to which having just finished "yes man" by Danny Wallace. What a brilliant feeling, what an amazing story. EVEN BETTER than "Join Me", and if you've read that you probably won't believe me. But I'm here to tell you that it is.

By the fact that I've read a book in 3 days, you may rightly guess that these weren't the three busyest days at work ever. I also watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show (absolute genius), although that wasn't at work.

Mistranslation of the day: "cause deepens the never-existing wound"

Grouphug of the day: "The O.C is the last thing in my life that makes me feel good." - I know the feeling...

Grouphug of yesterday: "epoch's manbat arouses me"

The Last Week Begin..eth

Another pair of injections kicked off the weekend to a memorable start, "now this second one always hurts much more than the first one, noone knows why..." thanks for that nurse, who is also bizarrely and some might say helpfully afraid of needles.

She was right.

Then I eerm finished watching Smallville season 2 and went over to Alexes for a bit of poker and pool, which AGAIN reminded me that the best way of keeping socially... normal? palletable? acceptable? edible?... does not include not seeing anyone for ages, and hence I have again forgotten how to speak. Apart from to Harpe, but anyone can speak to Harpe, and he will speak unto you. For he is as close to the son of God that we are ever likely to see. It explains the pocket money...

Having got back at 1am, I slept in on Sunday and didn't make it out of the house for the rest of the weekend. Woo!

A certain someone recently introduced me to a band known as "Panic! at the Disco" which sound like a mixture between punk and dance. Somebody please tell me what to think about this. This kind of crazy mix got me and my sister thinking of other unholy alliances and I think the most scary though I have ever come across: a goth in burbery.

Grouphug of the day: "I like running, sometimes going out for 6, 10, 20 miles, whatever. Sometimes there are these annoying schoolkids on the road near my house. Sometimes they shout stuff like "run Forrest" and other such crap at me. Dumbasses. One time this pathetic girl started shouting "run, run" and tried to chase me. Without breaking stride or turning, I sprayed her all over with my water-bottle and kept running. It was awesome. I was having a bad run up to that point, but it was totally worth it to hear that Chavette schoolgirl swearing at me."... is that you, Ronnie?

Liver? What liver?

3pm the day after having only 4 beers and a bacardi and coke and I still feel dizzy... I'm thinking that I must've left my liver at home, in its li'l hutch.

I'm in the process of discovering Doves. I should have listened to them loooong ago, the only reason I can think of that explains why they're not as popular as they might be is that the singer doesn't sing like his testicles are under pressure. Hmm what are you saying by that Kashi? Not that I'd enjoy their music more if someone was squeezing the singers balls, rather that most bands these days seem to have male singers who can and do reach notes not designed for them. Which is fine, as far as it goes, but it's nice to listen to someone singing a bit lower for once. Soothing.

Grouphug of the day: "I had to take a drug test today...I smoked pot about 2 min before I went in to piss in the cup." Smooth. This is one of the few I could find that isn't about sex, I think I'm going to end this feature because I don't think I can stand reading much more of that site.

Snooker

Steve Davis is BACK!!! What a performance, a 145 followed by another century break to take the match... I hadn't watched snooker in ages and last night I felt something calling to me softly from the TV, and I turned over and there he was, getting the balls into the middle of the pocketses every time, positioning point perfect on all shots. Making the hardest game in the world look easy.

I now NEED to play again. If I don't I don't know what will happen, I might just start playing air-snooker in the street.

Then I finnished watching Nathan Barley. Give it another chance, it's much better the second time round. And then I'm not going to admit to beginning the second series of smallville...

Grouphug of the day: "I have this fantasy that I want to bash Celine Dion to death with a copy of Nietzche’s “Beyond Good and Evil”."

grouphug

Ok having read more of this... interesting site, I think it is probably the most depressing thing I have ever seen. There seem to be a lot of Americans about to commit suicide right about now... I think I'm going to go sit in a dark room somewhere.

I decided to take thursday morning off partly to recover from allie's on wednesday and partly to get stabbed in the arm some more.

At the moment everything feels a bit like a lull before a storm rather than just a lull... There's something on the horizon, you mark my words! I don't beleive in all that really, but if you see any tall dark strangers run like hell just incase.

..ok then

I must've been in a seriously strange mood yesterday, I herby promise to never attempt poetry again. Ever. On purpose.

Grouphug of the day: "Sometimes when i set my status to (Away) i'm really still there" or "i did it. it was me." I can't decide.

Jazz

Right, you know that classical piece that goes duuu... duuu.... duuuuu...... duduuuuuu? Aw c'mon you must've heard it, I think it's at the beginning of Star Trek or something. The jazz version on secret agent radio right now.

Nice.

Skimming swiftly over silvery sea
Silent storms of silly sods
The jazz takes over

To the left, sensible fishermen,
Unaware of local events,
Cast out their nets again.
To the right are loons in tents.

javeg javeg
oooh mamaleena mamaleena

Disconnected pumpkins in very tall hats
Compete for a prize against neighbourhood cats
Up against a wall a meringue chews on rats
And in a fish shop in Burma, the stock start to sing:

peanut butter jeeelly, peanut butter jeeelly,
peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat, peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat

Smoke rises slowly to join
The que to get out of the room
Horizontal on his chair Joe tosses a coin,
Reflecting other bits of the gloom.

His part in the jazz is the slow bassline,
The wearing of hats and the fighting of crime.


This is fun :) you should try it some time.

da da da da mondays, da da da da mondays

Second to last monday of my employment here!!! Last friday was mad, selling over £1000 worth of stock!! To put that in perspective, that's the best day so far by about £400, and I decorated a small christmas tree :) so overall quite a good day.

Then the weekend was fairly average, got stabbed in the arm twice for the trip and watched my sister pretending to be a whore, and something exploded near Hemel and woke me up at 6am (I thought something had fallen over in the attic and went back to sleep), y'know, the usual...

So back to work and a much quieter day, only two customers so far. Hmm... back to poetry? Tempting... maybe after lunch.

Also I think it's time for a regular feature!! (thanks Monkey for this!) Apart from the toilet updates that is... for the momnet, they are behaving normally except for the beday which is still completely inexplicable. Anyway, I'm going to add my favourite GroupHug of the day. If you look, you'll find out... classics aparantly include "I broke my jaw masturbating, dont ask me how...." It's basically a place people confess stuff

Quick One

Looking for instant feel-good music with added bond quotes brilliantly out of context? You are looking for the Secret Agent station provided in the "eclectic" section of itunes radio stations. There's probably another way of getting it, but I'm just far too working/lazy/cool/stupid/bernard to check for you.

Time to start wading through travel books...

Picture Special

... do I need to say anything about that?



no.

Well I got my travel books a massive 2 months before leaving... i think i have 2 books a week to read between now and then.

That's not going to happen. Most of the intervening time will be spent staring at this:

(click here i'm too rubbish to get it on here)

Basically stare at the cross in the middle and there will be a green dot where there is no dot. Then continue staring and the pink 'uns will disappear. I'm sure there's some occult goings on because that seems a bit much too much for an optical illusion, some voodoo priest somewhere cackling behind a computer saying "your eyes are mine, bitch, right out of your socketssses. Now come eyes!" and he'll get out a small pipe and skip off playing it and the worlds eyes will follow him, squelching slightly in the breeze. And since he therefore already has my eyes at his command, I may as well drag you down with me.

WARNING

Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
MOZAMBIQUE

WARNING

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related functions to take extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "pepper Spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit has bells in it, and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in MOZAMBIQUE!

(genuine fax received at UNICEF UK headquarters)

Gift Wrap in Words

When the first revel is a toffee, you know it's going to be a good day.

Infact when you get given a packet of revels, you know it's going to be a good day. At least until you've finished the packet. Kashi's tip of the day: if you are already in a good mood and you want that to continue, don't listen to evanescence. And if you do, completely ignore the lyrics.

When the second revel is a toffee, smile at the world for it is smiling at you.

The cards are flying off the shelves today! Wow christmas cards are popular at this time of year...

When the third revel is a toffee, buy a lottery ticket. I'll let you know how that goes.

Sad Mondays...

Well that was a better weekend than I expected if only because I discovered Man Stroke Woman, the new sketch show on BBC3 featuring the one, the only Nick Frost ladies and gentlemen, lets give him a big hand. Best sketch show I've seen since Big Train. Also Jack Johnson is fantastic.

Apart from that, I also discovered a new sandwitch filling by accident: fried peppers and tuna and a few tomatoes, a little bit of garlic, lots of lemon juice and a little yoghurt... yum. Problem is I realised it would be a perfect sandwitch filling as i was eating it as a part of a meal with lamb... but oh well.

Nearing the end of my employment here, only 2 and a bit weeks left. And less than that before some come back from uni for Christmas! :D I can't wait to see you lot, it has been so strange not seeing everyone every day, I'm sure you'd agree.

If someone turns something upside down on the shelf and it is left like that for long enough, a more intelligent, thoughtful and overall better someone will turn it the right way round again. Thank you, little old lady, I thought I was going to have to get up.

Fantasy of the Night

To Bed.
The fox who waits,
With matted fur and thoughs,
For springs to creak and settle down,
Cries out.

Sudden silence as the moon falls on it,
Crushing it completely.
To sleep.

(oh god he's naming them now, and he's stopped rhyming... ok folks this is bad, get out the hoses)

The Cornered Artist

He staggers backwards,
Dented to his very soul,
Stabbing with his pen.

(AAARGH MAKE IT STOP)

Until next time...

one more thing

I would like to thank Mrs. Smellie for lightening my day.

oh woe is me, or near me, actually he was over there, infact i didn't even see him honest guv would I lie to you?

Well Friday it is, and yet another weekend of next to nothing spread out luxsuriously on its back infront of me. But I want to do something!!! *slightly vibrates from unspent energy* something that preferably involves drinking and good music, although admittedly not tonight... too much unmissable tv on :)

Will-like rant time: How hard can it be to put a set of cards back on the right shelf? ESPECIALLY as there's only about 10 shelves. But no, lets put them back the wrong way round on completely the wrong pile... why's that boy at the laptop glaring at me like that? Anyway, ooh ok lets take this expensive item out of the wrapper to look at, decide against it and put it back again the wrong way round and on the wrong shelf... what's that grey stuff on the floor, it looks like... damn my brain's fallen out again hasn't it? Oh well no matter, I don't think he noticed. I wonder how that candle tastes...

I have had a couple of days where I have actually had more than half a job to do!! They must be reading this blog. Maybe I shouldn't leave it on the screen when I go to lunch and my boss covers for me... the small mistakes are the ones that count. Talking of which, you are now being counted by a a piece of formatting that i copied and pasted all by myself!! Jobs included: sticking a lable on 330 envelopes, sticking another lable on another 165 envelopes, putting sheet of paper in 165 envelopes, serving loon who bought £302 worth of stock (so then I had to check the stock and phone the supliers and reorder and its all so depressing, so actually no, no I don't want to sell you anything, go away - Black Books school of thought... I miss that program)

... AARGH SOMETHINGS UPSIDE DOWN *steams*

Toilet Update: Another thing about the loos here is that the seats are so badly fittted, you're doing a dump at a greater gradient than is normal. I actually had a dream recently where one fell off and chased me, laughing manically. And the urinal fush mechanism is better than any burglar alarm. The second you walk in, suddenly you're having a flashback of a waterfall you saw recently and start wondering where that stick is now, as every single one decides to look busy incase it's the boss that just walked in.

What's that? A series of stories featuring a young fella called Kakashi? Well there you go, you learn something new every day. I think the next Gorton website of the week might have to come from this blog search...

By the way I know the poems are dreadful, they were more for me than for you :P so there.

The woman browses along the shelf,
Wreaking destruction as she goes,
"This way up" tattoed on herself
So noone ends up talking to toes.

(notice I can only do one style :) I might try another if I can be bothered)